Love in high school
RELATIONSHIPS, DATING, AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS TO HIGH SCHOOLERS
The L word. Murmured between giggling elementary schoolers and sought after by everyone from college students to grandparents, love is everywhere. And in the month of February, with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, love feels more prominent than ever. But what does love look like for high schoolers… for us?
According to Micah Wagoner, 9, “[Love] means caring about somebody to the point where it doesn't matter if you’re gaining anything back.”
Micah revealed that while he feels he’s been in love before, he’s currently single and sees himself as having less knowledge about relationships than most.
“I see other relationships, but it’s not first hand experience,” he said.
On the opposite end, several upperclassmen described love as something relative, changing in meaning over time.
“As a five-year-old, I was certain of my love for my parents, my siblings, and puppies. By middle school I knew I loved the friends I had around me. At this stage in life I also found a new love for my little boyfriend, and as we’ve grown up together, my definition of love has completely changed,” Madison Scott, 12, said, having been in a relationship for several years.
Carrie Boelcke, 12, agreed, adding that love and being in love mean two different things. Being in love involves “a romantic and physical attraction” whereas love can be as simple as “caring about the other person and wanting them to be happy,” she explained. “I loved friends, but never been in love.”
So how does this love come about in high school? Navigating the mess of talking online, flirting in class, and even browsing the occasional dating app can feel overwhelming, whether you’re single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between. Many students interviewed explained that things usually start on social media, in someone’s Instagram DMs or on Snapchat. As things progress, the pair starts talking more seriously and maybe considers hanging out. Carrie described this stage as “talking.”
“You’re half flirting, half not. You can never tell if they actually like you, so you just respond to their Snapchats and hope for the best—maybe try to flirt and hope they reciprocate. It’s a lot of back-and-forth uncertainty,” she said.
Breaking free of this gray area can be just as complicated, however. The mention of first dates brought about nostalgic memories of anxious eye contact and nervous hand-holding, remembering sweaty palms pressed together under the glow of movie theater screens.
“One of my most memorable [first dates] was when we went to Kelly’s Bowl. I was maybe 12 at the time. A bunch of drunk college students were in the lane next to us, and they kept throwing the bowling balls into our lane. It was the stupidest thing ever,” Sophia Pavese, 11, laughed.
“First dates are so stressful,” Carrie added. After one trip to the movies, her date “went on vacation, ghosted me for three weeks, and then said he got a girlfriend during the trip.” But she looks back on the situation with a sense of humor. “It didn’t work out in my favor, but it usually does for people that aren’t me,” she joked.
Their stories and responses highlight the comedic uncertainty of first dates. This awkwardness was something everyone, from seniors in long term relationships to single freshmen, could relate to. Choosing an activity, deciding whether to involve dinner and paying for each other were all items up for discussion, and students shared their various dos and don'ts. Micah suggested that less is more, and that it is important to keep expectations in check and realistic for high school. Madison also reminded everyone to keep an open mind and to leave expectations at the door.
“There’s a lot more to someone than you could ever learn before having a one on one conversation,” Madison said.
But beyond the innocence of talking and flirting, there exists a world of stereotypes surrounding teenage dating. Many adults evolve and change dramatically after leaving high school, their relationships maturing in the process, and thus some find it difficult to see high school relationships as true love. Several teachers interviewed associated stereotypes like puppy love, excessive public displays of affection, teen pregnancy, and love/lust at first sight with teenage romance.
Mr. Joe Haydon specifically remembered the drama of it all, mentioning things like hand-holding, sneaking out, and late nights texting as common indicators of a high school relationship.
“I think when you’re in high school, being in love means a little bit of a different thing. To be in love as an adult, to me, means making a choice to be with that someone. That was one of the biggest things I figured out. It’s unbelievable how much the the up and down drama [of high school]… fades when you find a person who truly has made a choice to respect and honor you,” he said, commenting both on his adolescent love life and his current marriage.
This view love as dynamic was a common theme. In Dr. Jamie Culver’s opinion, love means learning to grow and compromise together—but that comes with time, something that high school relationships can lack.
“You want different things out of a loving relationship at different times in your life,” Mrs. Eileen Klusendorf added, and it can be difficult to identify what those things are without proper time to learn about yourself. Everyone also agreed that putting your own identity and needs first is important in any high school relationship, whether it’s been two months or two years.
Now, it might feel as if these stereotypes are conspiring against teenage love, determined to fizzle any spark of romance roaming the school halls, but the exceptions to these generalizations were acknowledged. Both teachers and students agreed that while some high schoolers may not fully comprehend the meaning of love, mature, healthy relationships do exist among kids.
“I think all in all, high schoolers are just experiencing and experimenting. That’s life. It doesn’t mean they’re all going to get pregnant and die,” Carrie said.
“I think all in all, high schoolers are just experiencing and experimenting. That’s life.”
A more neutral outlook accepts dating in high school as an opportunity to learn, but not a necessity. Relationships can be different experiences for each person, but they can provide the opportunity to improve and grow as an individual.
“I learned a ton about myself through dating in high school. What I liked, what I didn’t like, how I needed to act in a relationship, etc.” Mr. Haydon said.
A bad breakup might help someone better understand the red flags, and long term relationships can teach commitment. But everyone interviewed agreed that it’s not necessary to date in high school—or to remain single—and that teens should do what they feel is best for themselves.
“I feel that every person, whether marriage is in their plan or not, wants companionship. But there shouldn’t be a set time frame. For some people, high school is the perfect time to get to know yourself through dating, and for others it’s not,” Madison said.
photos by sky stockton
